The Dozen and Crazy Voldemort
by Flower 'n' Prongs
Summary: The year is 1993. Voldemort is slightly, er, touched in the head. Harry Potter is not an only child... in fact, his family is bigger than the Weasley's! AU parody. In Lily or Voldemort's POV.


**A/N:** This is my story which I'm trying to make funny. My friend and I came up with the idea a while ago. It started off with us saying "What if..." and this is the end result is roughly what turned up below (my version of it anyway). Harry's not an only child (far from it), Voldemort is touched in the head, and... well, you'll have toread to knowthe rest.

**R&R:** C'mon, please? I won't bother with the rest of it if I don't get any positive reviews. Tell me if I should continue or not _when_ you review. (Hint, hint.)

**Disclaimer:** Do you really think that JK Rowling would write this? And be begging and pleading for reviews? I don't. Also... look in my profile. See those couplings I hate? I very strongly believe She wouldn't have written that since she's the one who put them together. If you still believe I'm her... you probably have as much sanity as Voldemort does in the story below. Also... _this is my onlydisclaimer for the entire story_ (if I continue it)! After all, I'm not going to change who I am halfway through... or will I? P

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**Chapter One  
The Worst Murderer of all Time?**

Lord Voldemort sat at his desk, in his cabin, which was deep in the woods, about a one-hour drive from Godric's Hollow. The year was 1993 and Voldemort had been looking for the Potters for a long time with no success. Today was, in fact, the fourteenth anniversary of when he had heard of the prophecy which made him start his very complex and high-tech search. If this wasn't bad enough, there was a nice sized article in the _Daily Prophet_ about them being able to hide from the worst Dark wizard of all time for fourteen long, silent years.

After Voldemort had read the title of the article ("_Potter Family Successfully Hides from You-Know-Who for 14 Years!_") he flung the newspaper across the room. It hit a big picture of a vase full of flowers and moved it slightly, so the painting was now crooked. Voldemort jumped out of his chair and dashed across the room to fix his picture. After spending a few minutes getting it perfectly straight, he went back to his desk.

He sat down in his chair, muttering to himself. "Who could the Potters' secret keeper be? It obviously isn't Pettigrew, I've broken into his mind and he doesn't know where they are. It could be any one of their friends, but who?"

His chin suddenly left his knuckles, where it had been placed. He reached down to the child-sized plastic chair beside him and pulled up a teddy bear. This teddy bear was his most prized possession, his love and joy, and the other ring leader of the Death Eaters. Yes, they had to obey all of the orders that they got from a teddy bear, like it or get hit by the Avada Kedarva curse. He promptly placed the bear against his ear. After a couple of moments of nodding his head he gave the teddy bear a big hug.

"You're a genius!" Voldemort exclaimed loudly, his voice full of praise for his stuffed animal. "In all of these fourteen years I've never even considered that Lily and James Potter could have used _Albus Dumbledore_ as their Secret Keeper! Where do you come up with these brilliant ideas my precious? Yes we're so smart precious!"

Seeing as he was wearing his normal clothes, Voldemort went and changed into black pants, a black shirt, a black hat, black robes, and a pair of hot-pink sunglasses that looked like they were made for a young girl. Well, actually, they were made for a young girl. But he didn't really have to know that. He also took a pair of plastic binoculars and placed them in the pocket of his robes. Deciding that he was ready to continue on with his master plan, he grabbed the stick that was on his desk (from his picnic with teddy yesterday) and ran outside.

He was only a couple of feet out the door when he realized that he was forgetting something, and something very important at that. "PRECIOUS!" he screeched, and made a mad dash back inside. As fast as he possibly could, he made his way back into his study and gave the bear a huge hug.

"I would never leave you here all alone," he whispered reassuringly into the teddy bear's ear. "After all, it's you who comes up with most of the brilliant evil mastermind plans!" Grasping the bear's hand (er… paw) in his own he made his way back down the stairs and into the great outdoors.

This time he managed to get several metres out of the house before he looked down to his feet, which now felt like they were being jabbed by a bunch of rocks. It turned out that this was because they were, in fact, being jabbed by a bunch of rocks. Swept up in his own… okay, Precious's own… genius plan he was in such a rush to follow the new lead that he forgot to put on a pair of shoes. Trudging back inside he put on a pair of (black) sandals.

As he was picking up the bear after slipping on his second sandal, he was trying to assure it that this was the last trip inside before they were finally going to escape to Hogwarts. So with that he grabbed his stick, opened the door, and realized that his stick was just that. A stick, not his wand. With a sigh he ran back in, swapped his stick for his _real_ wand and finally went outside. Without dashing back inside this time. The only thing that happened was he had to back up a couple of steps to lock his door but managed to stay outside.

After all of this he finally was able to walk to the edge of his property, with Precious in tow, and apparated deep into the Forbidden Forest outside of Hogwarts.

By the time Voldemort had crept up to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, he had his plan well thought out and in place. He looked around, spy style, and ran to the doorway of the castle as fast as he was able to. Another quick spy style look around told him that here was nobody in distance to be able to view him, so with that he crept into the Entrance Hall of the castle. He did not want to make the assumption that there wouldn't be anybody there who would catch him, even though it was summer vacation.

Voldemort was almost positive at this point that there was nobody there who was going to spy on him and his teddy bear (who was creatively named Precious, copying another famous villain's most prized possession), so he crept along the corridor to the statue that guards Dumbledore's office.

The sight of the statue gave him quite a laugh. And it was a very creepy laugh at that. "He expects this to hold out me, Lord Voldemort, the most feared and powerful wizard of all time!" Voldemort laughed to Precious. "The password is _obviously_ going to be OPEN SESEAME!" After screaming out the last two words, he waited for a moment. However, unlike he expected, the gargoyle didn't just jump to the side and let him into the office. Nothing happened.

"Open up!" He screeched, banging on the side of the gargoyle statue with both of his fists repeatedly for a few minutes.

Nothing.

"If you don't move soon, I'm going to be forced to kill you!" Voldemort yelled. Not his best threat, seeing as the statue wasn't even alive to start with, but he was getting frustrated and death was the first thing he thought to threaten the statue (which happened to be much, much bigger than him) with.

Nothing.

Voldemort continued to yell for a while.

Still nothing.

It was in the middle of one of Voldemort's more quite moments, probably when he was saving up his breath for another long yelling spell, that an owl flew in through an open window. The owl landed on the gargoyle statue, and stuck out its leg that had a letter attached to it.

Voldemort ripped off the letter and, and placing Precious on the ground beside him, proceeded to read it over quickly. He got halfway through it then rolled his eyes.

"Sugar quills," he stated, raising an eyebrow. "How could they honestly think that I wanted sugar quills. I got some yesterday! I mean, really, do these guys never listen to a single thing that I tell them. Being their Lord and Master I really do think that I deserve more respect than _that_!"

Looking up, he realized that the statue had jumped out of the way, leaving the entrance to Dumbledore's study open. This resulted in a quick yet frightening victory dance from Voldemort. "Ha! What did I tell you?" he laughed, pointing at the gargoyle in the way kids point when they say something like _na-na-na-na-boo-boo_. "I told you that this measly statue couldn't keep me out! Because I, Lord Voldemort, am a genius. That's why." He proceeded to stick out his tongue, grab Precious, and run up the stairs.

That left the owl to fly back to the poor Death Eater who was stuck on shopping duty without an answer.

... V ...

_BAM!_

The door to Dumbledore's study swung open. Looking up from where he was shifting through a stack of newspaper clippings, Dumbledore watched Voldemort walk into his study. Hurrying to the desk that Dumbledore was sitting at, Voldemort went and flopped down on one of the chairs opposite of his rival.

"Where are they?" was the first thing out of Voldemort's mouth. "I know you know where they are, so tell me."

"Now, why would I want to tell you that?" Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling. "There are too many people to put at risk. If I wasn't going to tell you when the Potter's only child was Harry why would I tell you know that there are even _more_ people who I would be betraying?"

"What do you mean, _more_ people?" Voldemort asked, raising an eyebrow. He was getting more and more confused by the second. How could there be more people? There was very clearly three of them. Lily, James, and Harry…

"Well," Dumbledore began. "They are quite the bunch now. There's obviously mom Lily and dad James. Then comes Harry…"

All that got was an eye roll from Voldemort. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I already knew all that. I think the entire wizarding _world_ knows that. And I rest my case. There aren't any more people there than there were back when this all started fourteen years ago!" Voldemort smirked. Clearly he knew something that Dumbledore didn't. "But that wasn't the point anyway. All I want to know is where they are."

"I don't know," Dumbledore said simply.

"What do you mean, 'I don't know'? Of course you know. You were… _are_… one of the close family friends. How would you not know?" Voldemort said, bewildered. "Unless he isn't the Secret Keeper… or maybe he's just lying to try and through me off," he thought.

Throughout this all, Dumbledore kept on smiling. "Tom, Tom, Tom. I'm not their Secret Keeper," he stated simply. "So, as you would have realized, I can't tell you."

"But… but…" Voldemort stuttered. This wasn't part of the plan, he was supposed to give away their location so he could go and attack the Potter family. Then he had the sudden feeling that his darling Precious was trying to tell him something. "Could you please excuse me for a moment?"

"Certainly," Dumbledore said, and went back to mulling over his newspaper articles.

Voldemort and Precious snuck off to a not-so-remote corner of the room. A quick look around, once again spy style, was required before the top secret conversation could begin. Every few seconds Voldemort would make some kind of reaction like he was shocked. His mouth dropped, his eyes widened, he continually glanced over his shoulder to give Dumbledore his most deadly glares, and seemed to agree with everything that Precious told him. "Genius idea!" he whispered to the bear.

Walking back to his chair, he proceeded to roll up his sleeves. He whisked his wand out of his pocket and took his best shot at performing Legilimency on Dumbledore. Looking for some sign of the Potter's location wasn't proving to be very lucky. The only thing he found on the Potters was something about a baby girl. That did nothing but confuse Voldemort, because there were only three Potter family members and there were no baby girls in the family. He did find a thought about being a Secret Keeper though.

Ending the Legilimency, he gave a triumphant "Ha!" and then began to interrogate Dumbledore.

"I saw that!" he smirked. "So just tell me where they are, I know that you're the Secret Keeper!"

Dumbledore gave a light hearted laugh. "Oh that," he said waving his hand as though he was brushing the thought off and that it didn't matter. "That isn't about them. I'm not their Secret Keeper you see. That's for… somebody else. I don't think this other person is really somebody that you are after to kill though."

"Oh, _suuuuure_," Voldemort rolled his eyes at the thought of that. "Who is it then? Eh, eh?"

"Remus Lupin," Dumbledore states without missing a beat, shrugging his shoulders.

"The guy that they were close friends with?" questions Voldemort, tilting his head to the side. That got a swift nod from Dumbledore. "So… you mean that you honestly aren't their Secret Keeper and you _don't_ know where they are?" Another nod from the elderly wizard.

Abruptly, Voldemort stood up. "Fine then!" He screamed at what seemed to be the top of his lungs. "See if I care. You horrible little… AHHHH!" Making a hand gesture that probably shouldn't be made to somebody who is your elder and capable of killing you on the spot without getting into any trouble. But that's what he did as he stomped off to the other side of the office.

Trying to remember what he was instructed to do when he got upset, he took ten deep breaths. But that didn't work so he thought maybe fifty was good. Well, that still didn't make him totally calm so he decided that a hundred would probably do the job. Even though he wasn't entirely calm after that he thought that it wasn't going to get much better. Deciding to see if Dumbledore would give him any information, he went back to the entrance part of the office.

Dumbledore was gone.

Luckily the breathing had mostly calmed him down, so he didn't ruin the office beyond repair. However, he did decide to look at the newspaper clipping that Dumbledore had been examining as he came into the office. His eyes widened as he saw what it was. It was a birth announcement for the Potters. It was dated for 1982. So it wasn't Harry. There _was_ another baby.

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Oh, the drama. I'm not positive I'm going to continue this, and if I do it'll be after my first L/J one-shot and once I've updated my (ancient) Lizzie McGuire story. Anyway, if you want me to continue text "continue you are the best writer ever! 3" with your ideas forthe storyto and if you don't want me to continue text "no, because I'm a prat" to the same address. (Hey, a girl can try can't she?) I also need a minimum of four reviews to continue. _Note: Reviews don't count if they're less than 10 words long._ So you better get "texting" and reviewing.

xoxo,  
Lily


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